Today was Day 35.
It has been a very mixed day, even by the rollercoaster standards of the last 5 weeks.
I didn't get much sleep last night. I went to bed at 11 and had a whole week-ful of nightmares, then woke up in a sweat to find that it wasn't even midnight. I spent the next 5 hours trying to get back to sleep, but I couldn't get comfortable and I was scared to close my eyes after the nightmares. I couldn't switch my brain off and it was freewheeling round in circles again. I had hoped that writing everything down would stop that but it doesn't seem to have helped. When I did get enough of my thoughts lined up I decided that the new drugs were to blame and that I was going to have to stop them already.
Now that I have had half a day to recover I have decided to stick with the pills until I see the doctor on Monday. If I am still having so much trouble with the side-effects then I am going to tell him I am coming off them and that I am done with the medical guesswork of bouncing me from one set of pills to the next.
On the subject of side-effects, the appetite suppression is definitely affecting me as well. In the last 43 hours I have eaten two slices of toast and an apple. This is a long way short of the calorie intake I need just to keep ticking over, nevermind to cover the 9 miles from this morning. This probably explains why I have hit a new record low of 71kg today. I am still not hungry, but I have put a pizza in the oven.
Which leads me to today's two major success stories. Despite the lack of sleep, I managed to drag myself out of bed and go to meet some friends for a run this morning. Jog would be much more accurate as I peaked at 9 minute mile pace. Still, it was good to get out, see some friends and get some miles in my legs. For extra points I also managed a trip to Tesco without a babysitter. It was still a struggle to control the panic attack as I was halfway round the shop but I think the pills were helping insulate me a bit from the rest of the world and I managed to finish my shopping and walk back to the car. I still found myself locking the car door once I was inside.
My temporary housemate moved out today so I am back to evenings on my own for a while. Not sure this is a bad thing as I was never really in the mood to speak to him anyway. I have been getting by on my own during the days while I have been off work, and today feels like the start of a more sustainable improvement. I still have to wait and see if the new meds mop up enough of my post-exercise crash and if I can get some sleep tonight before I start counting chickens.
Today was Day 35 - It has been a rollercoaster. It says enough in itself that I think a 20 minute trip to Tesco is the peak on a thrill ride!
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