Today is Day 13. Tomorrow should be Day 14. I say "should" because a significant portion of the last 13 have been spent considering the means of my suicide.
Today is not the day for suicide. There were two moments during the day when it might have been, but they were fewer than days 1 to 12 and much less intense.
Today is also not the day for explaining the underlying cause. That is the eventual purpose of this blog, to try and help me understand what happened by writing it down and to help me to move on with my life.
Today was the day for another visit to the doctor and an extension of my prescription. The drugs (Buspirone Hydrochloride, twice a day) are meant to be controlling my anxiety attacks. They seem to work for chunks of the day but are far from a complete prevention. I have had several more uncontrollable crying attacks today. They are down to a few minutes each rather than 20, and now they are short enough that I am still focussed on controlling them rather than thinking of more radical ways to make them stop. This is a big improvement but I can't tell how much is an improvement in my state and how much is due to the medication.
Today was the day for some of my friends to take me out to dinner and a movie. TGI Fridays was instantly forgettable, 3 hours since dinner and I had to pause to even remember that I had a cheeseburger. I should at least be pleased that I have kept it down, that has been far from a guaranteed outcome of the digestion process recently. Over a stone of weight-loss in the first 7 days at least seems to have slowed now. I also managed to sit through the whole of Captain America without falling asleep, another outcome that was unlikely on recent form. I would like to give Chris Evans and Joe Johnston some of the credit but I am afraid it was more the panic symptoms that had me leaving fingernail marks in the cinema seat after the lights went down.
Today was not a good day, no day that comes with uncontrollable crying and panic attacks is ever going to score as "good" but it was not a bad day.
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