Day 14

Today is a Day 14.

I didn't get much sleep last night and the crying attacks started before I even got out of bed this morning.

I had to go to Tesco today. It is amazing how such a mundane task as buying some food can suddenly become so terrifying. Even pulling into the car park my hands were starting to shake, but a couple of minutes of sitting in the car and trying to calm myself down and relax my breathing seemed to have helped. About 20 yards in the door it was already obvious that it hadn't be nearly enough. I abandoned my usual every-aisle, up and down route in favour of a direct trip straight to the fridge section. 2 minutes of grabbing pizzas and ready meals and I was heading for the checkouts. The checkout operator couldn't go fast enough for my liking and in my rush to get out of the store I walked away without my bank card and he had to call me back. Efficient - yes, enjoyable - no. I was about half way through the drive home before I finally had enough self-control to release my deathgrip on the steering wheel.

This afternoon wasn't any better. I spent the whole afternoon "safely" back in my house, but I couldn't focus on anything for long enough to distract myself from the waves of panic. I was meant to be going to a birthday party with friends this evening but I couldn't face leaving the house. Instead I had my sister and her dog come round to visit for a couple of hours. Being terrorised by a hyperactive staffy, at least, was a successful distraction.

Today's crying and panic attacks were limited to pure panic, with no suicidal intent. I suspect this should be regarded as a step forward but the increased frequency of the attacks and the seeming ineffectiveness of the drugs that are meant to prevent them has left me considering today as a significant step backwards.

Today was not a good day, today was definitely a bad day.