When I started my blog I decided, and then stated, that before I made any attempt at suicide I would post about why I am here. I have completed all the formalities of updating my Will and tidying up the rest of my life, but I still have to tidy up some of the smaller promises I made to myself before I can move forward, of which this is one.
I am going to stick to chronological order and work through it. I could be on a Rowling-esque word count if I really attack this. For this post I am going to cover up to the minute that the clock started on this blog.
Put quite simply, I was in love. It wasn't a crush. It wasn't a fling. It wasn't anything short of pure, clear, undiluted love for another person and everything about them.
I can be sure it was love as I have been in love twice before. The first time was the full-on unrequited love that only comes to teenage students who don't know any better. The second time was a girl I spent 4 years of my life with. This time was slightly different from both of those but still so much the same. This time rounf though, there were no obvious obstacles, no reasons it wouldn't work out, even though it had only been a few months I was already settling in for a long and perfect life together.
Even though it was only a few months together, it felt like a holiday was just the next comfortable step on the road. In June, we booked a mid-July week in Majorca so that we could get some sun, and do some running and swimming. The first few days of our holiday were great. We went running together, spent time on the beach, went out for dinner and drinks, and did all the other things that couples on holiday do. For the first couple of nights of the holiday we were still having sex. The dates and the details here may seem like too much information but I am writing this with hindsight and it has relevance to the post-Day 1 blog.
A few days into the holiday I was starting to get bored. We had both picked up injuries so we hadn't been running. Every time I suggested we go and do something touristy she said she just wanted to lie in the sun and get a tan, and I acquiesced. So everyday we went to the pool and the beach and just lay in the sun, reading our books, with our headphones in. I was still doing a bit of swimming everyday to keep my fitness ticking over. I was getting sunburnt and bored.
At night she was a bit quieter than usual but I just put it down to us not doing any running. Every runner I know gets grumpy when they miss a few days so I thought that was all that was happening to her. I was running the air-con in the evenings to try and cool my sunburn a little and she took to hiding under the covers. I just put this down to the lack of running meaning she wasn't in the mood for cuddling but when I asked she said it was just that the air-con was causing a breeze.
She was also texting someone a LOT. She said it was her dad, who she normally never talks to, and I have no reason to think otherwise. People act differently on holiday anyway and her dad isn't always in a close enough time zone so it didn't seem too strange that if we were an hour further east and he was a couple of hours west of normal that they might be more in touch.
So by the time we packed to fly back it wasn't the greatest holiday, we had both been bored and off running for a few days straight, but we were on our way home and everything would quickly get back to normal. She seemed more cheerful on the plane home so I assumed the same thoughts were going through her head.
We picked up presents as we went through the airport. Again, with my hindsight on I notice now that she split them up and bagged mine separately from hers, but this just seemed like spreading the weight across our bags, so it didn't ring any alarm bells at the time. On the flight we had our usual juggle of food. I gave her the lactose-free and vegetarian items out of my meal, and she in turn offered me the sausages from hers.
Back on the ground we collected our bags from the carousel and got a taxi, and on the way home we had our customary discussion over why I should just pay it because I won't notice £10, while she made her usual fuss about why she wanted to pay it because I shouldn't just buy her things. As always we settled on half each. This was exactly normal for us and it felt like we were already back in our groove after the holiday.
We got into the house and I started unpacking my bag and putting clothes into the washing machine. I came back to the living room to get her washing and saw her case was getting fuller rather than emptier. When I asked what was going on she said "I'm just not doing this any more". It felt like I had run into a truck. I asked her why, I asked her to explain, I asked her just to sit down and talk but she blanked me completely and kept packing. I was in shock and I collapsed into my chair as she started piling all her belongings into her car and within 5 minutes she was gone.
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