Day 19

Today was Day 19.

Hopefully, today is the low point. If it is not, then I don't expect to be making a post on Day 20.

The basics facts of today are bad enough. I got to sleep at a reasonable time last night, only to wake up 3 hours early this morning. Even with a theoretical three hour head-start on the day I wasn't able to drag myself out of bed even when my alarm went off. So I was already exhausted, late and depressed by the time I got to the shower.

Having taken today's medication I managed to get dressed and out of the house and headed for work, but had to stop half way to be sick. Having finally eaten enough yesterday I was able to be properly sick again for the first time in a week. This actually felt a lot better than the trying-to-vomit-nothing from most of last week, but in hindsight I probably brought up my medication. I thought that might be the low point of my day and for much of the day this seemed to be the case. Work wasn't completely distracting and while I survived the day, I spent most of it in a daze and once again I find myself here with no idea of what I did at work today.

However, I made the mistake of trying to go to training this evening. I specifically went early enough that I could complete the session and leave before everyone else turned up. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to  finish before she turned up. I did manage to control my panic for long enough to walk to my car and drive away. It certainly didn't do the suspension any good to cover the speed bumps at 35 mph, but I managed to get most of the way home before I had to pull into a lay-by for a major attack.

So that drop from the relative normality of yesterday has already made this the worst day on the list so far, but worse was still to come.

When I have felt suicidal before, the rational part of my brain has always taken over and stopped me from doing anything stupid. Today has seen a major shift in that. This evening during my attack, and since, I have again considered the option of suicide and this time my rational brain has agreed that this might actually be the best solution.

Viewed in the short term all I have to lose is the pain and the attacks. In the longer term people tell me that things will get better, but I can't see it. I have removed myself from the parts of my social life that overlap with hers, leaving me effectively with no social life. Even if I had a way in which I could get out and meet someone, I can't see how I will ever trust anyone enough to have a relationship again. So that leads to me not having a meaningful relationship in future, certainly not for several years, by which time I am going to be too old for children. So if I am just going to grow old, childless and die alone, why not skip the growing old part?

Today, was the worst day. I can say this with the confidence that any worse day will be the last day and I won't feel the need to blog about it.