Day 21

Today was day 21.

Three solid weeks on the misery rollercoaster.

Today was another low day. This morning I arranged to meet a mutual friend to discuss what happened and to explain the decisions I have made since. Despite being medicated I had uncontrollable tremors and the one in my leg was so obvious as to elicit comment even before the basics of a hello. A lot of this meeting made me feel better, as she agreed with myself and the psychiatrist that the events and behaviour that put me in this condition were not normal. She did try to give second-hand justification for some of the behaviour but it just felt like more excuses. And some of the things she said definitely made me feel worse. Despite saying the words about "no-one is taking sides" and "no-one thinks any of this is your fault" it felt like those words were hollow and that masked somewhere behind them were the opposite sentiments. Overall, I think it helped to convince me that I have made the right decisions.

I spent most of the afternoon alone and the crying attacks and suicidal planning were back. Fortunately I had arranged to go out this evening for dinner with some friends and one of them came round to pick me up at about 6. While I was far from the best company, they both mentioned that I was notably improved from last week.

The medication today seemed to take a lot longer to kick in. Despite taking them at 9am I was still having problems till well after lunchtime. When they did finally hit me they knocked me out for a couple of hour nap and when I woke up I was in full-on zombie mode for the rest of the day.

Today was a low day.