It seems that Friday's are worse than other days, but I don't really understand why.
Last Friday was such a disaster that I started to updated my Will but through the rest of the week there was a general improvement. Yesterday I managed a day off the medication. And when I went to bed last night I was actually bordering on happy after a successful race.
This morning was back to a crazy low again. I woke up much too early again and felt as down as ever. After a couple of hours of my head running round in circles again I decided that I would force myself get up early and go in to work. At least I would be distracted there and maybe that would be enough to get me back to a level. Apparently I didn't even learn from my own blog yesterday. Having a routine and a system is part of why going to work in the morning is helpful. Turning up an hour early destroys the routine. By mid-morning I was in such a state that the Will was out again and I was finalising my suicide plans for this weekend.
I managed to keep myself sane enough to reach for the medication before lunch and have been a zombie since. Obviously the effect has not levelled me out as much as other days as my temporary housemate was concerned enough to ask if I was ok. He tried to get me to go out to the pub tonight but I can't face "outside". I had the door locked before he even got to the end of the driveway. I still feel worse than the rest of the week and am back to spontaneous crying attacks. I even managed the new low of not being able to put the bin out without stopping and running through all the breathing exercises to control my panic.
Some friends want to go climbing tomorrow. I have agreed to go but not sure about whether I will actually manage when the alarm goes tomorrow morning. It's still a few hours till bed time but I already know I am going to spend every minute of it sat in this chair, hiding from the world. I just want it all to go away.
Today was Day 27.
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