Today is Day 28.
Friday was a bad day, which should have meant that Saturday would be a level day if recent form was anything to go by. It hasn't been. I tried to go climbing with a couple of my friends this morning, but I wasn't actually able to climb. I even resorted to trying the basic routes that they set up to teach children but as soon as I was two feet off the ground I was struggling with the panic and by 6 feet I had to give it up and come back down.
This did provide one crumb of progress, but in the wrong direction. Suicide options involving heights (jumping and hanging) are definitely off the list as the anxiety response over-rides my conscious self sufficiently that I would be unable to carry it out. The list is now down to pills, cuts or vehicles.
I should have been spending tomorrow with most of the people I thought were my friends at Dyce Half Marathon. Since I won't be able to go to that, I am intending to try and go for a bike ride with a couple of friends tomorrow morning. This will also give me a chance to assess the viability of vehicular options. I don't intend to make an attempt tomorrow. Exposing my friends to that is still outside my moral comfort zone. It also seems selfish and hypocritical to expose an innocent driver to PTSD for being an unwitting assistant in my suicide. However, while I wont be intentionally making an attempt tomorrow and I will be taking the usual precautions of helmet etc, the lack of focus and concentration that I have been experiencing lately makes a serious accident a real possibility. If I don't post tomorrow it will likely be due to an accident. If this happens I will be neither surprised, nor disappointed.
If my death was to happen by accident I am ready to go now. At this exact moment I am not quite ready to do it intentionally, but there is a definite progression towards that outcome.
Day 28 has been a very bad day.
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