Day 44 - Friendship, Betrayal and Vengeance - full version

Today was Day 44.

Today was my first visit to the consultant psychiatrist. He was already up to speed with the basics of what happened from extensive notes that the registrar left for him. He spent most of the time focusing on the behaviour of the other people around me and why I have had such a lack of support from those people who call themselves my friends. Today's session focused on three words in particular; Friendship, Betrayal and Vengeance.

If you think the first word still applies to you, then you are almost certainly wrong. A couple of months ago it probably did. There are only half a dozen people still on that list now. I am not going to name then individually, but unless you have talked to me, in person, in the last 6 weeks then you can be absolutely sure you aren't on the list. Even if you have bothered to come and talk to me, or to at least phoned, me that doesn't guarantee your space on the list. The basic words that come with any definition of "friend" are trust, loyalty, honesty, understanding and compassion. My list of requirements under the definition is somewhat longer but so few of you meet the above list that I shouldn't need to post the rest for you to know whether you qualify.

On the other hand if you are even in the slightest way concerned that I might have considered you guilty of the second, you are certainly right. And bearing that in mind, you should probably start to worry about the third.

While we both agreed that vengeance was a negative and destructive path to take and that it was likely to affect me in a negative way, he also suggested that it was a normal response and that in my current situation I have so little left to lose that doing damage to others is actually a perfectly rational step.

Taking legal action against her so that I can get some of my life back is not likely to make me popular with the rest of you. But then since you are all ignoring me, or treating me like crap, anyway I have nothing more to lose by pissing you off a bit more.

And you can all read this and pretend that you don't deserve to be caught up in this and that I am behaving unfairly or irrationally, but maybe you should take a wider look at how you have behaved since you have known me and how that compares to what you have done in the last six weeks.

You asked me for favours, lifts and loans. You called me to drive you home when you were too drunk to get yourself home. You were sick in my car and left me to clean it up. You borrowed from me. You learned to climb from me. You asked for my advice on computers, jobs, bikes, sports, bets, investments movies, music... You griped to me about your relationships, your kids, your families, your injuries... You have cried on me. You used me as a coach, an official, a windbreak, a pacemaker and someone to keep you company when you were out for a run, or a bike, or a swim. You asked me to cover extra nights with the beginners group so you could train properly or have the night off. Or you came as a beginner and ran with me. You called me up to come round and dig about in your computer at 2am to recover the files you deleted and needed to save your job. You had me rewrite your CVs and provide you with references so you could get new jobs and new flats. You had me write spreadsheets to make your life easier. You had me fix your computers, your memory sticks or your camera to save all the files, photos and memories you thought were lost. You had me sponsor you. You asked me to help you out with information about races and rules*. You came to live rent-free in my spare room because you needed somewhere to stay.

And if you don't see something on that list that applies to you personally then feel free to think through how long you have known me and come up with your own.

Balance that against how you have behaved the last six weeks: You have come up with excuses to avoid me, or you have ignored me completely. You have spent more time with her than you ever did before, while spending none with me, even though you know how she behaved and what that did to me! You have been out for short notice runs with her, at exactly the same time that you had already told me you were too busy to run with me. Most of you haven't even called, emailed, texted or messaged to check how I am doing. Out of the few that did and knew what a shit state I was in only one of you even got off your arse to come round to check on me.

Still don't think I have a good reason to be upset with you in particular? Then you need to look around at the people around you that you call friends and ask how many of them appear on that list. And if you are still standing next to them when I stop holding my temper then you shouldn't be surprised if you get caught in the collateral damage.

Day 44 - Written but not posted.



*Some of you who should know better seem to have forgotten that I know the rules of the sport better than you, and this is the first thing that is going to come back to bite you very, very hard.