Day 15

Today is Day 15.

Today, so far, has been a good day.

I had a plan for today, to go to Alford and race the novice triathlon. After the panic attacks I have been having (including one that stopped me dead in my tracks at Westhill triathlon last weekend) even the best laid plans were going to be difficult to fulfill.

As with last week, I struggled to get myself to the car, and to drive to the event. A few times on the way I had to try and focus on driving to try and keep my mind, and the car, from wandering. As I arrived it was good to see some friends around, some of them unexpected, but thankfully none that I felt the need to avoid. I signed in and went back to the car to fetch my bike and shoes. As I took my bike out of the car I found that overnight in the car I had had a rear puncture. Normally, this would have been a frustrating development but today it served as a useful distraction as I went into auto-pilot to change the tube and get my bike ready.

By the time I was finished and had laid out the rest of my kit in transition it was time for the briefing. This was a big improvement on last week where I had to try and keep myself talking to people for nearly an hour before the event. The continuous stream of things to do this week kept me distracted enoughthat I got into the pool feeling quite relaxed.

I was also fortunate to be drawn in a lane with 2 other swimmers that I knew I should at least be able to stay close to. On real form I should have been first out of the water but I knew that losing 9 kgs in the last fortnight and my intermittent eating and sleeping patterns weren't likely to have left me in my best shape. For the whole swim section I was able to focus on working hard and staying close to both of them. I managed to get out of the water only 3 seconds off my predicted time, a lot better than expected.

BUT, last week this was where my problems started. I had lasted less than 5 minutes on the bike before I had a panic attack and had to give up the race and rush home. This week I knew the bike course was 3 short laps so my plan was to try and get out through the first mile and then if I did have a problem it would be as far to go forward as backward and that would any problem I could try and work over lap by lap. The undulating course didn't really suit me and I was struggling with energy levels, but I managed to get round the bike section quite "comfortably".

So, onto the run, no problem as this is my main event, I will just start passing people now. Or not, as the case was today. Within about 50 metres of the run my back and shoulders tightened up, I was struggling to keep my legs moving and I could feel the beginnings of a panic attack. I managed to focus on my breathing and keep my legs ticking over slowly but I knew I was hardly jogging and the number of poorer runners passing me was not helping my confidence. I took the same approach as the bike and  managed to keep myself moving round the three short laps by just getting round each lap on the basis that it was as short to go forward as backwards. At over 16mins I was almost 5 minutes off what I should be doing for the 3k run and every step was a real struggle.

Keeping the attacks in check during the run, at the cost of my actual run performance, is a big step forward. And post-race I felt hungry for the first time in a fortnight and even managed to taste the sandwich I was eating rather than just forcing it into my mouth.

Hopefully, I can keep this level of control and improvement as I go back to work tomorrow.

Today was a good day.