I have no "life" left. I went out for a bike ride with friends this morning. It should have felt great to be out and doing things but all it did was take the edge off. Even before I got back though I realised that in the last month I haven't managed to do anything. I can be in the house, the car or at work and feel safe but I can't do anything else. I can only manage Tesco if I have a babysitter, and I have only managed to go anywhere else once I know that I will have friends waiting for me there and can be confident that she is elsewhere. Even then I am exposed to random panic attacks all the time.
This isn't a life. All I do is hide away from the world.
People keep telling me that it will get better and that I should get on with my life. But looking forward I don't have a life to get on with. Even if this only lasts a few months then when I eventually manage to get back out to the real world I have nowhere to go. I won't go back to the running club as long as she is there, so I have no social life or friends to get back to and would have to start something from scratch. Even if I had the will to rebuild my life I am now 35. A couple of years to get some sort of social life, maybe meet someone I like. Another year before I can trust her (maybe more to get over the trust issues I am left with at the minute). Then another year or two to get married and think about kids. That all adds up to put me the wrong side of 40 before I am even trying to have children.
She didn't just damage me when she walked out, she has effectively killed my children and denied me the chance to be a parent.
I have tried over the course of this blog to include positives and negatives in each day where possible. So today ends with a silver lining of sorts. I confirmed today that I have the skills to commit suicide by vehicle and the effort on the bike is sufficient to over-ride the panic attacks. I can roll along at 20 miles an hour on the flat and still have enough control of the bike to intentionally cross into the oncoming traffic. There are plenty of roads around the area where I can intentionally arrange a head-on collision with a large vehicle doing 50+ in the opposite direction without giving them any chance of reacting. 70 mph closing speed with no helmet is comfortably above the 95% likelihood of fatality. I can still consider the pills and cutting options but the statistics and the difficulty of those options are less favourable.
I still have the moral issue of putting that unfortunate driver into the same mental state as I am to overcome.
Day 29 was a realistic day. A lot of my own questions answered.
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