I am going to skip over most of today as I cant remember it.
The day only finally got into gear in late afternoon when I had my weekly visit to the head shrinker. It started calmly enough as I described my week to her but by the time I got to the weekend she was already starting to look concerned. Once I told her about yesterday's silver lining she was quite obviously concerned.
Her first suggestion was that I should be admitted for a couple of days while they try and load me up on anti-depressants. I had to point out that creating an environment where I had a full team trying to stop me from hurting myself would just create a competitive environment where I would have to come up with a clever way to do it.
She had to go and discuss with the consultant to decide whether to admit me by force or to let me go. The compromise was a new set of medication. I am now on Mirtazapine, 15mg, twice a day. Rather than the anti-anxiety medication that I was previously on, this is a full strength anti-depressant. It is meant to stimulate my appetite, to help me sleep and to artificially alter my mood. I am also now on hospital visits every 2 days instead of once a week.
I have been on SSRIs before but have been assured that these are different. Two hours in they are having the same effects as Fluoxetine. The fake smile is hurting my face but I am drifting off to sleep so maybe they are going to at least help with that.
I am going to be off work for a while until I get the medication balanced, so probably a longer but blog tomorrow describing how terrible daytime TV is!
Day 30 - Survived, barely.
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