Today was Day 38.
Today was my first proper day back at work, and was probably my first day completely clear of meds. There wasn't anything exciting to do until about 4pm when I had to actually put my brain in gear and make some decisions. Nothing too serious but enough that I had to think a bit about how to get around it and with the added time pressure of needing to do it before leaving at 4:30.
I also had a trip to the psychiatrist again today. Last week we agreed that if I dropped below 67kg I would let them admit me to stabilise my weight. I was expecting her to put me back on the scales today but she took my word for eating properly yesterday and gave me a free pass. Wish I had known that before I had two pints of water for breakfast. My scales said I was still at about 70 but I figured it was better to be safe than sorry.
My stomach objected to me trying to have dessert with lunch, but I did manage to keep it down. Six weeks ago I would have consider today's lunch to be a snack and would have spent most of the afternoon looking for biscuits or crisps. Now I can hardly even look at dessert and the soup course doesn't even interest me enough to read it on the menu. I had that post-xmas-dinner feeling by the time I finished forcing down the 2 inch square of chocolate and hazelnut cake.
I wasn't hungry when I got home but I was starting to feel the depression rising on the drive home. I'm not sure if this was caused by being off the meds, being a post-exercise day, being a training day I can't go to or even just that because I had a twinge of adrenalin from having to do something in the last half hour of work. It could even have been a combination of all four. I decided to try distraction and kept myself busy when I got home by tidying the kitchen and emptying the dishwasher. Despite not being hungry I also made dinner just to keep myself occupied.
In hindisght I should at least have left dinner till later and possibly skipped it altogether. I wasn't hungry so I had to force myself to eat it. I hardly finished and I had to go and talk to Hughie on the big porcelain telephone. This was very disappointing as it has been a few days and I thought I was starting to adapt to eating properly again.
I used to wonder how bulimic's could cope with all the vomiting but it is surprising how easy it has become. When I was younger I would regularly train so hard that it would make me sick. It was always hard to do it and left me feeling crap, but it was soon balanced out by the endorphins from training so hard. Recently it has been the other way round. Being sick is no longer any harder than blowing my nose or clearing my throat. It also feels surprisingly good at the time. Once I am done and back in front of the TV the waves of depression and frustration come on quickly though. Today the crash has been less evident than before.
Unless I have a problem, I don't have another check-in with the psychiatrist until Monday so I can risk another small weight loss today as long as I balance it out through the week. Tomorrow, I am hoping to do an outdoor swim session in the evening. This will mean I don't get dinner till later. Hopefully it will also mean that my body will be interested enough in the post-swim calories to keep it down.
Day 38 - Meh.
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